I wasn’t going to write about this topic, out of fear that people suspect this blog of being too negative. It was also borderline cliché to attack Valentine’s Day on February 14th. Well this blog is negative and that’s why it’s entertaining. Back to the topic at hand, Valentine’s day. A holiday that used to be celebrated by the Roman’s as a fertility festival. They would whip and rape women with animal hides and make a 3 day party out of it. Then a couple dudes named Valentine were executed and it became St. Valentine’s day. Probably the coolest holiday I’ve ever heard of.
Then in the early 1900’s those assholes over at Hallmark got ahold of it and turned it into big business. Making saps out of guys around the world, convincing them that they have to buy flowers, chocolate, cards, jewelry and dinner for their significant others. This was all fine and dandy until a little thing called Facebook broke onto the scene in the early 2000’s.
Facebook created an entirely new layer of shit atop an already stinking pile of shit. Valentine’s Day had gone viral. The coupled up users bragged about the sweet gifts that they and their partners were exchanging. While the users listed as ‘single’ had this crap pushed into their heartbroken faces. Those sad bastard, already lonely on the loneliest day on earth for anyone who is single, then had to have all those status updates and mobile uploads rammed into their crying eyes like a fat man in a red suite down a chimney, or turkey and stuffing down a throat, or patriotic fireworks up one’s ass.
Valentine’s Day, go away.
Come back again, on doomsday.
You were cooler when I was 8.
Now you fill me full of hate.
Keep your love to yourself.
Shotgun blasts are bad for your health.
Anniversaries were invented for a reason.
To spread the idiocy from season to season.