Guest Rant: Fisherman Pants

As if trying to blend into a different culture while traveling isn’t hard enough, there are, ironically, fewer things other than fisherman pants to really make you look like a supremely uncultured douche. It’s almost as terribly un-classy as going to New York City on vacation with your family, then sporting a brand new “I Love NYC” t-shirt the next day while STILL walking around the city. You might be able to get away with this at rock concerts, but only Motorhead or pre 1988 Metallica. If you go to a Nickleback concert, don’t even fucking think about it, your an idiot.

But back to fisherman pants…. We’ve all seen them while traveling anywhere outside of America. Strolling through a local market in the back streets of some small village a cute 20 something walks by wearing what seems to be a huge bedsheet/adult diaper loosely draped around her midsection. The only thing that could possibly make this worse is when her even more douchbaggy looking boyfriend walks up sporting the same diaper pants as well as a terribly taken care of head of dreadlocks that he just got done with his new “island friends.” I’m all for making our fun parts more accessible but not at the cost of seeing some old guys beanbag because he thinks he’s blending in to a culture clearly not his own. Whats worse is that even the locals don’t wear these ridiculous pants, they have no pockets, and wearing them doesn’t make you one ounce more cultured whatsoever. I hope the lack of pockets means you have nothing to put in them including your passport, which we all hope was stolen so you can never return to America you dirty hippie.

-Sentipede Soul

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Juno Music

I don’t know what its classification is or exactly what genre this music fits into, but I know I hate it. I’m sure you’ve heard its polluting sounds in every commercial out right now. Those simple monotone 2 beat melodies, usually lead by a raspy voiced girl or a guy who sounds so stoned that they can barely keep up with the boring music they are performing. These commercials usually incorporate visuals of swirling flowers and a moderately cute but mostly boring looking guy or girl doing something hippy-ish with a hint of a tech-savvy cuteness. Ever since Juno came out everyone is on this shitty music bandwagon. It’s not quite folk and it’s not quite good at all. My solution, crank the metal, pump up the bass and punt these indie pop faux folk wimps in the windpipe to silence the raspy geek music forever!

Example of this awful shit:


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Road Bicyclists

There is so much to loathe about these silly bastards it’s almost not even fair. Spandex, goofy streamlined Oakley glasses, mirrors dangling off of their helmets and the kicker… shaved legs. These nerds spend more money on their bicycle components than their girlfriend. This doesn’t surprise me though, their sexuality is already questionable (with the whole leg shaving bit.)

All of that is fine and dandy, but what really gets me is their lack of respect for traffic laws. Weren’t you the assholes preaching about sharing the road? Ok, we let you onto our roads, to pedal next to our vehicles. But as soon as we did that, we regretted our decision. Your condescending greener than thou attitudes make you some of the smuggest people out there. Dude I drive a truck, I’m sick of seeing your junk through your spandex. If you cut me off one more time as you hog the road, I am putting my gas guzzling pedal to the floorboards and running your live strong ass over.

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Top 3 Phrases That Should Stop Being Phrased

Overused and usually misused. If you are regurgitating these phrases or terms, I loathe you.

3. “O.M.G.” – Spell it out, it’s not that hard, maybe then your grammar would begin to improve. If this phrase ever physically leaves your mouth you should probably just stick to technology and not show yourself in public or in social situations anymore, ever.

2. “Everything happens for a reason.” – No it doesn’t! Shit happens. That’s why that shirt sold so well, everyone was sick of not knowing what this ‘reason’ was. If there was a master plan set out by some higher power, and only that higher power knew what was going to happen next, then wouldn’t you think that guy is kind of an asshole? If you wanna keep subscribing to that prick’s plan then go on ahead, I’m making my own plan, and if something goes wrong then it’s my own damn fault. Grow a pair and quit blaming your shortcomings on fate.

1. “Epic” – Why has this term been so overused and bastardized in recent years. Suddenly everything is ‘epic’! No it’s not! Your day of rollerblading at the beach was not ‘epic’.  The term epic needs to be reserved for things that are actually epic. For example: He cured cancer, AIDs, TB and wiped out all the terrorists, religious extremists, solved the world hunger issue and created a completely 100% sustainable source of energy for planet earth, what an epic person. Rollerblading is not epic.

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Raccoon Tails

What is up with this trend? Davey Crocket was a bad ass that fought at the Alamo, what the hell have you done with your life? Let’s list it off, you went shopping at Urban Outfitters, then you got your double pretentious shot of espresso triple soy at ‘bucks, then you hung out with your other hipster friends and talked about how different you are from the other hipsters. I hope your little animal tail comes back from the dead and strangles you, better yet, I’m gonna strangle you.

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If friends are the family you choose to have in your lives, then neighbors are the in-laws that are selected by default and never leave. We’ve probably all had some good neighbors in our day. Ones that lend us sugar and milk, bring over a cold brew on a hot day, help us clean out the gutters and have a general sense of respect for our personal space and privacy. This article is not about them.

The bible says to love thy neighbor. Well when your neighbor blasts his favorite Pandora station 24/7 and stomps around without respect for you or the other neighbor (who has a newly born) it gets a little straining to have respect for anyone. No I don’t like your techno or your Bruno Mars, the Lakers suck, your girlfriend is ugly, every time I pass you I snicker at you for a reason. So, asshole in apt. #177 go fuck yourself and turn your shitty music off by 10pm like the rest of us. Unless you are banging that ugly chick that you call your girlfriend, then just kill yourself.

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Raiders Fans

What is with these trashy rejects of the NFL? (See previous post, titled Goatees) I don’t know if they got the message in their D.A.R.E. class, but meth is bad for you. Not only are they the most violent fan base in the nation, they are also the 2nd least intelligent, the Cowboys have you beat, but that doesn’t surprise me, you guys can’t win at anything.

Your colors are black and white, that’s like asking an infant what his favorite number is when they can only count to two. To be really smarmy here, those aren’t even colors they are shades, so way to go on that one. And what is with the skulls? Yeah that’s really cool, everyone knows that skulls already look cool. Try making a horse look bad ass, now that’s a feat of accomplishment (way to go Broncos fans.) You all look like ICP fans, but more retarded and old enough to drink.

Chill out, no one knows what you are even rooting for, you’re team has sucked for 20+ years, shut up.

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